One of The Hardest Things

I’ll admit, one of the hardest things is to accept yourself as you are. Frankly, there’s so many messages to tell you the exact opposite; whether it’s to do with losing weight and looking a certain way, or just being “normal” human being. Anything else, frankly, seems to be unacceptable.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that it’s important to accept yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks (or what you think people may think), but that’s a lot easier said than done. Whether to do with looks, life stage, career, relationships and sexuality… the ways that people (especially women) are compared and judged are endless. If not, there’s always that inner critic in your head telling you the worst case scenario or picking at your flaws. It may not always be constant, but it’s there.

So what can we do about it? I think some people may grasp the concept of self – acceptance easily, while others may struggle throughout their lives. I get (kind of) why it’s important, but i don’t necessariy think it’s the whole “no one else will love you if you don’t love yourself’. My theory is that accepting yourself means living the truth throughout your life, even when no one else sees it or knows. Accepting yourself, I believe, gives you more a certain peace more than anything and it can stop you obssessing aobut yourself to focus on others. (That’s the sad irony of narcicism, narcists appear arrogant, but are really falling apart and have such low self – esteem).

I honestly believe to accept yourself (without being selfish) helps you deal with truth a lot easier than if you are living a lie.

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Obsession of “The One”

I’ll be honest: I don’t get (and doubt) this “The One” phenomenon (in the context of romantic relationships). To me, ths obsession with this idea of  finding and thinking of having”The One” seems to create more heartache than what it’s worth, especially in the context of online dating.

See, anyone can say anything and write anything down on paper (or on screen) and make it SOUND perfect. To put simply, people can say what the other person wants to hear. That’s where I think the myth of “The One” falls down and creates more heartache than what it’s worth. People can say (or type) exactly what they want. And on social media/ dating sites, it’s very easy to fall in love/ develop crushes on someone through the perception one portrays. And there maybe nothing wrong with that. A relationship may work out. But even if a relationship does turn into a reality, nobody is perfect. And very few people, if any willingly admit or display their faults online. We all like to put our best foot forward. But there comes a point in a relationship where truth will come out.

Researchers into online dating scames have said that people who create online daitng scams, fake profiles, etc focus either on heroism or drama. For example, it’s common for online dating scammers to say that they’re in the military and have been involved in conflict. I’m guessing it’s to create a somewhat “hero complex”. The other tactic they use is to create drama or tragedy to stir sympathy (and usually money) from those being scammed (I won’t extend anymore on this because that’s not what I’m talking about). 

Another thing that annoys me is when people say “there is someone out there for everyone”. What about those who remain single for all their lives (both asexual and not)? Have they missed something? Are they worth any less?  Have they missed something? It’s often said that humans are social and relational creatures (even though some people do prefer to spend a large majority of their time by themselves and that should be respected, too). But I don’t believe that a main focus should be focusing on this myth of finding “The One”. In fact, I believe that most people appreciate a large range of relationships: family, friendships, pets, etc. And as long as they’re healthy, than I think that’s all good.

All relationships worth having, romantic or not, require work and have ups and downs. Everyone has flaws and those flaws are most likely goiong to be known by loved ones. And I believe that it’s the ability to love others in spite of these that truly makes a relationship, whatever it may be work. And, just for argument’s sake, that’s true too, when you find “The One”.

Sexuality in Public

I read a FB comment before lamenting the emphasis of the LGBT and how “what they do in the bedroom” shouldn’t be shoved in the person’s face. I get what this person was trying to say. But, sexuality is more complex than what happens “in the bedroom”.

Sexuality, especially surrounding the LGBT has become a sociological issue that everyone has become a part of. The issue of legalising gay marriage is something that almost everyone has an opinion on one way or another.

Also, the fact that the LGBT have experienced (and still experience) discrimination, violence, bullying and ostracism in mainstream society, despite the fact that most people say the Western world has become more accepting and more tolerant,  LGBT people still are at greater risk of discrimination, bullying, harrassment and even sexual assault.

It’s a social issue because young people in particular have taken their own lives because of the rejection of family and friends when identifying as gay/ bi/ trans.

It’s become an issue because, until recently, the gay community were not only discriminated against, but violently attacked by authorities.

Also, most people express their sexuality publicly in some fomr. Whether it’s buying a sweetheart a card for Valentine’s Day, holdilng a partner/ spouse’s hand or another gesture of affection, most people have ways of expressing their sexuality to the world. However, with LGB people with same – sex partners, (especially young people) often feel judged or stared at by doing the same thing that straight people in relationships/ marriages often do almost be default.

Also, especially at school or for many people, probably college/ uni, many people talk about their relationships with boyfriends/ girlfriends/ fiancees, etc. And it’s in these situations tha LGB and even asexuals can feel left out. (I myself felt like this when I was younger).

I don’t think “what happens in the bedroom” is what’s going public (and frankly, I don’t think it necessarily should). It’s our experiences of love and affection that are seen throough the eyes of the public. It’s about making a statement about who you are and who you love emotionally. It’s saying “this is who I love emotionally. It’s got very little to do with what happens “in the bedroom”.

Asexuality Vs. Celibacy

I think there is often confusion between asexuality and celibacy. To put it simply:

Asexual: someone who doesn’t experience or any or very low sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender.

Celibate: Someone who chooses to refrain sexual activity, often for spiritual reasons.

For me personally, I don’t necessarily think that being asexual is a “gift” any more than what I would say that being “straight” was a gift. I won’t go too much into theological arguements about this. I just want to keep it simple.

I believe that being asexual just is. I just don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender. To me, that’s it. I’m not “special” because of it,  nor do I think I”m any worse off because I am (even though sometimes I think being straight would be nice frankly). To me, it just is. And I’m learning to be OK with that.