About “Finding the Right Person” Comment – Food For Thought

I haven’t been through this personally, but I have heard it in the media and also read it on Facebook. Someone mentions that they’re asexual and a common response is “you just haven’t find the right person yet”. Here’s a few points I want to give to non – asexuals; before you use that line on someone who identifies as asexual, here’s a few points think of this:

  • DId you have to “find the right person” before you found out that your were straght/ gay, etc?
  • Did you have to “bat’ if you like for different teams before you realised your orientation?
  • Did you discover your orientation before or after you fell or felt attraction to someone?

Chances are, the answers to those questions are: No, No, and Before. Sexual orientation is innate. It exists whether we “act” on it or not. Scientifically, it’s believed that our sexual orientation is actually determined in early childhood (in about the first five years. Of course our experiences of sexual/ romantic attraction are not felt until years later). I’m a firm, hard – headed believer that this is the same with asexuals. Asexual people are programmed the way they are from early on; at least I would say, most are (I get that sexuality can be fluid. I’m not denying that).


I get that many people don’t get it. That’s why I want to write this. We’re asexuals, not by choice, but by the same indicators that other people are straight, for example.

Asexuality is an orientation. It’s the way some people (albeit small percentage) just are. And there ain’t nothin’ anyone can do about it.

5 comments on “About “Finding the Right Person” Comment – Food For Thought

  1. V says:

    Interestingly, my answers to those questions were “yes, yes, and after.” I didn’t know I wasn’t straight until the day I fell for a girl, and that’s actually much more common than the people who “knew they were ___ since the age of 6” etc. In fact, in my personal life, I haven’t met a single person that felt that way. Most of them started discovering they were gay or bisexual in high school or in college, long after they had entered the dating world, usually by realizing that “oh crap, I’m falling for someone of the same gender.”

    Of course, I would never ever assume to know more about another person’s sexuality than they do. So if someone tells me they are asexual, I don’t doubt them.

    But I just want to point out that everyone’s story is different. If you have one sexual orientation from the day you are born to the day you die, that’s great. If you find that your sexual orientation has changed over time, that’s also great. Sexuality is very rarely something that can be put in a neat and tidy box

    • saraharnetty says:

      Thanks for your comment V. I do realise that sexuality can be complicated, not for everyone but for some people. Actually, much research I’ve read and what people have told me is that many people realise they’re gay/ bi by the time their 15 – ish. I’ve heard people realising their sexuality even earlier (they wouldn’t be able to pinpoint it though). I’m not knocking people who’s sexuality changes. I get it, I really do. In the context of the article, I’ve seen time and time again that on Facebook in the asexuality groups I”m in is that you’re asexula because you haven’t found the right person yet”. That’s not necessarily true.

      BTW, thank you for your comment about believing someone if they told you they were asexual. That’s great.
      BTW, also, children knowing their sexuality before they hit puberty is rare. I get that, but I have read/ heard that it does happen. And even sometimes, other people know it before they do. 🙂

  2. saraharnetty says:

    V, just for your information, the American Psychological Association says that: “For most people, sexual orientation emerges in early adolescence wiithout any prior sexual experience”. I read a stat one day that said about 80% (ish?) by the age of 15.

  3. nobody says:

    I knew I was asexual before I knew there were other people like me, before I even knew there was a term for it. I never even heard the word “asexual” until a kid in my high school creative writing class said I couldn’t write a story with a sex scene because I was completely asexual. (I went to high school in Alabama, and the only sex ed I ever got was from the Girl Scouts in fourth grade, so I was more sheltered than a lot of people. But I did write that sex scene–it even included microgravity.)

    All through high school and college, I bought into the “you just haven’t found the right person” yet. I dated a little bit–men, women, and a genderqueer person. But it never really clicked for me. I had these friends who seemed to think they weren’t complete without a partner, but I never felt I needed someone else to make me whole. I still don’t understand that desperation for relationship, honestly.

    But I’m 28 now, and I no longer think it’s a matter of not having found the right person. I’m fine on my own. I mean, I certainly wouldn’t object to a long-term relationship with somebody as long as sex wasn’t involved, but I’m not actively looking, either. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not somehow incomplete because I don’t feel the need to find a partner or have sex–and I think that’s what bothers me most about the “you haven’t found the right person yet” comment: it implies we’re not already okay the way we are.

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