Carnival of Aces: December – Remaining in the Closets

This post is for the December Carnival of Aces.

Is it better for an asexual to come out or stay in the closet? Probably depends who you ask. Some would say that it’s good to come out to increase visibility. Yet, others argue that it’s no one’s business. I can see both sides.

I can understand (and agree to a degree), that someone’s sexuality is jo one’s business. In an ideal world, that would be true. Yet, (maybe this is just me), people are more open about sexuality. People talk to them friends on who has a crush on who, who’s going out with who, who’s getting married, etc. this is where the ‘con’ is.


Being asexual and not being open about it, especially if you’re being quiet out of fear of a backlash, can be lonely. And, quite frankly , I’ve realised being too afraid to open up can exacerbate self – loathing of low self – esteem. To be quiet honest, for example, the more I’ve opened up about this blog (which is a coming out of sorts, I guess), and knowing that my world hasn’t gone to hell in a hand basket, has given me more confidence in who I am and knowing that people accept me for who I am, not who I’ve tried to pretend to be in the past, has been a weight lifted off me. For those with higher self – esteem in the first place, this may not be such a big deal, but it has been to me.

In a perfect world, who you’re attracted to (or not attracted to) wouldn’t matter. Unfortunately, I still don’t think that’s the case, including for asexuals.

6 comments on “Carnival of Aces: December – Remaining in the Closets

  1. demiandproud says:

    ‘s an issue I’m on the fence about myself. I’ve told a few, but I’ve no desire to tell many, both because it’s none of their business and it feels like an intensely private part of me. At the same time I created a blog for visibility and to seek out like-minded people… so yeah. I’m sorta inbetween on this issue.

    • saraharnetty says:

      I can see where you_’re coming from. How do you feel, for example, if a group oc your friends or family start talking about marriage, kids, ideal partner, etc? That’s when, for me, when the dilma arose in my early 20’s (nor so much now).

      • demiandproud says:

        When I didn’t know what I wanted, it made me by turns nostalgic and insecure. Later, I was happy for them and had a gleeful I’ve-got-a-secret humming through my mind. Now? I define myself by another paradigm and I feel free.

        But then, I’ve had the luck of being accepted for who I am regardless. If I was pushed? I’d need to speak up or walk away lest I let my confidence be destroyed.

    • bloggerchick says:

      Thanks for your reply, Demiandproud. One question, you keep saying that it’s no one’s business, and I get that. I also wrote about the hypothetical scenario of having a same – gendered partner or love interest. I guess that’s where the privacy may go out the window somewhat if you do have a same – gendered partner. What do you do then? Do you say you’re in love with the other person? What if, for example, that opened the door to questions? What do you do, for example, at family gatherings? Or meeting up with parents after you and your partner have got together?

      • demiandproud says:

        A potential relationship’d be one of the things worth speaking up for.

        To the potential partner: if I felt strongly enough, yes I’d risk it. I couldn’t keep quiet after some point.

        Towards interested third parties: it’d be worth opening up, yes, from a fairly early point. But I say this as someone with a liberal upbringing and a close family. Plus I’ve already had the what-if-my-SO-was-a-girl conversation as a teenager. After a friend had a girlfriend. Helps loads.

        I only noticed at the Pride in Amsterdam how heavy a weight even casual heteronormativity is, when it was absent. As an ace-spectrum single or in a het relationship, you’re invisible unless you speak up, I think. The initiative for disclosure, and where it stops, is largely mine. In a same-sex relationship, both the choice and the consequences of disclosure, to those you love and beyond, carry more weight. More momentum.

        I’d dive off the cliff. And then be bloody frightened all the way down.

      • demiandproud says:

        I see I haven’t quite answered your question. Again 😀

        What I’d do, for, say, Christmas. Bring them. Announce it well in advance to cut down on awkwardness and receive potential rejections in private, where I’d be free to react. And leave if I felt uncomfortable or unwelcome. Be on tenterhooks all the way through anyway.

        This’d go for Christmas service, too. I’d probably try a regular church service first, actually, and give the elder of that Sunday and/or the pastor a ring to make sure they’re good and have a word of welcome ready. Assuming this person shared or was interested in my religion.

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