Why ‘Come Out’?

Before, I read a blog post (didn’t finish it admittedly), about a lesbian mother of young children and her struggle to ‘come out’ to strangers she comes in contact with. My question was ‘why’? To family or friends, if you feel secure enough. But strangers? Then, I realised, everyone does it. Let me explain.

People, especially women, often freely, talk about their family and relationships, spouses, etc. If you’re not in a traditional, heterosexual relationship/ marriage, what do you say when the conversation turns to you? I’ve been there, especially in my early 20’s. What do we say? I stayed silent, for most of the time. When I did speak, I mostly just went along with the conversation, kind of just went with the tide.

Frankly, the most awkward conversation is when I asked when I ‘like’ anyone (meaning man). I say, ‘no’, and for the most part, that’s where the conversation ends. That’s fine. But sometimes, I want more. I want to say, ‘welllllll, actually’….. and tell the person/ group the truth. Well, the basics anyway. This is why this blog is good for me, frankly. My posts appear on my Facebook wall (and Twitter feed), and, although I was reluctant at the start, I’m glad that it’s getting out there, and people I know (hopefully), are coming to know me as an asexual (I son’t really talk about romantic orientation). It’s been really positive, actually. There hasn’t been a backlash and no ‘unfriends’, so that’s good.

So, I guess everyone ‘comes out’ in everyday conversation, in a way; talking about martiage, kids, who likes who, etc. it’s just in reality, for those of us who don’t fit the ‘norm’, so to speak, it’s not good or bad (most of the time for me, anyway), it’s just another dimension I sometimes find myself thinking about. I’m sure it’s the same for others too (not all). Sounded like a dilemma for the mother I was reading about, too.

Identifying As Asexual and Being OK With It

I didn’t identify as asexual until just before my 21st birthday, but looking back, I would say there were ‘signs” much earlier. Throughout my life, even in primary school (Year Four +), sex and love never went hand – in – hand with me. When I was a teenager, however, from the ages of about 13 – 15, I assumed that I would get married and have children. At 16, that kind of came to a crashing hault. I couldn’t get myself to date. And the idea of sex made me panic.

In Year 11, I had a girl in my year who was an out lesbian. When I say “out” I mean, “out”, “out”. She was incredibly open about her sexuality. Sometimes, when she talked about such things, I shut down. Note, I do not say this to mean that LGB people should stay in the closet. It just confirmed to me that that’s not what i was either. There were other people who came out as bi (one later gay), and I didn’t fit in either.

From 16 – 20 I thought I was straight but not found the right person yet. It was one night, just before my 21st birthday, I had dinner with a few friends at a hotel. We got talking about relationships, and what we wanted in men when we married. That seemed really foreign to me. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself to snap out of it, it was just really foreign, just wasn’t something I experienced.


So, I say I officially, if you like, identified as asexual since I was 21. Through that time, I’ve tried to come to grips with it. It’s isolating and quite nerve – wracking at times. Writring this blog has given me not just an outlet, but also a way to inform others about aseuxailty and it’s existence in the context of the modern world.

Have I come to acept it? Yes…. kind of. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t make it change. (And note to non – aces out there, no “doing it’ isn’t going to change anything, finding “the right person isn’t going to do anytyhing- it’s an orientation).

So, that’s a part of my story.


To other asexuals, what’s your story? When did you identify as asexual?

Why Are So Many Asexuals Atheist?

I’ve just read two blog posts from two asexual bloggers who describe themselves as atheists. One blog (The Asexual Agenda) posted that 23% of asexual people claim to be atheist. I wonder why that is? I understand that asexuals come from theistic backgrounds (myself included), but atheism seems to be a bit over represented in my view.

As a Christian, I have never really had any problem with other Christians surrounding asexuality. Then again, it never gets bought up in conversation, and if subjects like sexuality come up, I have tended to go with the flow. Interestingly, since posts have appeared on my Facebook page, there hasn’t been any backlash against me from any of my friends.

Who does have a religious background? If you’re asexual, how does that affect the way you view your asexuality? For those who are atheists, what do you think?