No, Mamamia, Sam Frost Doesn’t “Need” to Have Sex On The Bachelorette

I read this post about former Bachelor (Australia) contestant and current “Bachelorette” Sam Frost. The columnist wrote some… ahem… delicate advice:

Two words. F*** ’em.

Just so you know, the censor was my own. Now, what Jessie Mills is going on about is the importance of chemistry and making sure it’s there before tying the knot. But seriously, as a feminist site, I hate the way that Mills has essentially pushed her views so brashly. I get that (for most people) chemistry is an important part of a relationship for most people, but it’s not Mills’ place, or anyone else to demand that Frost have sex with the men that she meets on the show. Leave that up to her and her dates/ future husband/ husband, etc.

 

I have read arguments that sex before marriage can be beneficial because you know whether you both connect together on that level. There’s no judgement here. This isn’t about whether Sam Frost has or doesn’t have sex. I couldn’t care less. What I’m saying is that I don’t think it’s up to anyone else to say whether someone should or shouldn’t (unless for legal reasons, obviously).

Feminism is all about choice, right? Well, to all the feminists out there, give people the right NOT to have sex as well as permission of those to have it if they want it. But please, don’t tell someone they “need” to have sex.

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Why Is Virginity Such A Big Deal (Or More Specifically Losing It Or Not)?

Earlier today, I was reading a blog post on Mamamia about a woman who was 28 and ‘accidentally’ a virgin.  She identified as straight (she specifically said she didn’t identify as asexual or gay). When I was reading the article, I thought to myself, why is it such a big deal? Why does this woman feel so much pressure and shame about the fact she hadn’t gone ‘all the way’ with a guy? Have we as a society gone too far the other way, in that people are, or at least feel shamed for not having sex?

These questions that ran through my head made me wonder if that ‘s one of the reasons why we still as a society have a fair way to go in fully accepting people who are asexual. Not only that, but this pressure is, obviously putting undue pressure on non – aces as well. Why do we value each other, and even ourselves on whether or not we’ve lost the ‘V – card’?

Last year, a story went global about a 58 – year – old man who hadn’t lost his virginity after being first published in ‘Science of Us’, then retold in the ‘New York Times’ and ‘Mamammia’. From what I read, his sex – life (or the non – existence of it) wasn’t his only problem. He seemed severely depressed and had issues from childhood it seemed like he hadn’t laid to rest. Yet, the title of these articles focused on the fact that he was a virgin. Click bait maybe?

On the last point, I think when talking about issues like this, I think it’s important to make sure we have to look at the full picture, not just focus on the fact on whether someone is a virgin or not. We shouldn’t pathologise people for not having sex yet(whether by choice or not). We should just accept the fact that people are different in many areas, when we lose our virginity, how and when we start dating, etc, etc. Can we just accept that?

I was heartened that most of the comments at the bottom of the post were supportive and saying that it shouldn’t matter. Some even said they’d lost their virginity in their late 20’s. So, there was support and empathy out there. Just a pity it’s deemed an issue at all.

 

What do you think? Is there too much emphasis on losing virginity?

The Need For Affection

Mamamia and news.com.au both adopted the story told originally to New York Magazine about a 58 – year – old heterosexual male who claims going through life not having lost his virginity or ‘without having a proper kiss’. This isn’t due to a choice to remain celibate. He links his lack of success with women to low self – esteem stemming from an abusive father. All the articles I’ve read seem to indicate more than just a lack of sex. It seems to be a lack of intimacy in general.

I’m not knocking the fact that this man would love an intimate relationship, but this story obviously goes beyond that. This man is looking for love and affection that he, by the sound of it, didn’t get while growing up, especially from his dad. As a result, it seems to me that he finds it extremely hard to connect with anyone, let alone on a sexual level.

The thing is, we all need to know we’re loved, from childhood throughout one’s life. To me, that’s the tragedy of this story. Non – voluntary celibacy, along with an eventual lack of desire seem to be symptoms rather than the problem. He’s even rejected suggestions that he could just see a sex worker. Obviously, he wants more than that.

I’ve often said that celibacy should be chosen by the individual, not thrusted on an individual. But regardless on whether we’ve had sex or not, we all need some form of love and intimacy in our lives. ThT to me, is  what this story is really about.

 

has anyone else read the story? What did you think about it?