Monthly Archives: September 2015

Why ‘Come Out’?

Before, I read a blog post (didn’t finish it admittedly), about a lesbian mother of young children and her struggle to ‘come out’ to strangers she comes in contact with. My question was ‘why’? To family or friends, if you feel secure enough. But strangers? Then, I realised, everyone does it. Let me explain.

People, especially women, often freely, talk about their family and relationships, spouses, etc. If you’re not in a traditional, heterosexual relationship/ marriage, what do you say when the conversation turns to you? I’ve been there, especially in my early 20’s. What do we say? I stayed silent, for most of the time. When I did speak, I mostly just went along with the conversation, kind of just went with the tide.

Frankly, the most awkward conversation is when I asked when I ‘like’ anyone (meaning man). I say, ‘no’, and for the most part, that’s where the conversation ends. That’s fine. But sometimes, I want more. I want to say, ‘welllllll, actually’….. and tell the person/ group the truth. Well, the basics anyway. This is why this blog is good for me, frankly. My posts appear on my Facebook wall (and Twitter feed), and, although I was reluctant at the start, I’m glad that it’s getting out there, and people I know (hopefully), are coming to know me as an asexual (I son’t really talk about romantic orientation). It’s been really positive, actually. There hasn’t been a backlash and no ‘unfriends’, so that’s good.

So, I guess everyone ‘comes out’ in everyday conversation, in a way; talking about martiage, kids, who likes who, etc. it’s just in reality, for those of us who don’t fit the ‘norm’, so to speak, it’s not good or bad (most of the time for me, anyway), it’s just another dimension I sometimes find myself thinking about. I’m sure it’s the same for others too (not all). Sounded like a dilemma for the mother I was reading about, too.

Bad Influences? So… Why Aren’t I Straight?

For those who think sexuality is due to social influences, consider this:

  • I grew up in a ‘normal’ family
  • Most of my friends and family are straight
  • I grew up with pop culture that was mostly Hetero – normative
  • The fairytale so  loved as a kid were Hetero – normative
  • i’ve had good role models in my life; both men and women

So, by most people who believe that sexuality is determined by social and familial influences, why aren’t I straight?

Being “Different”

If I’m perfectly honest, for most of my life, I’ve struggled with being different. It’s not easy. Social stigma, fear of being rejected, not able to do certain things, racking my brain to see how things are going to work out in the future it all comes part of the territory.

When I was at a camp, a now – friend of mine told me to see my difference (specifically vision impairment), as a “gift” rather than a burden. I realised I could extend that; not just thinking of my CP and vision impairment as gifts, but also my asexuality. I’m not talking about religious, holier than thou stuff. But I realise now that my differences, including my asexuality, can be used for good.

Anyone who has ever read or glimpsed at this blog know how vocal I am about LGBT+ issues, not in a way to intimidate others with differing views, but I do try to be educational to the wider community of what it’s like to be a GSM (gender, sexuality minority). To a degree, I can relate to the self – hatred that many LGBT+ people constantly face, even though I’m aware of when my empathy ends. I’ve been open recently about my own struggles with accepting who I am (or at least that part of me). It hasn’t been easy, but now, I’m starting to see that I can use those experiences to educate others and raise awareness somewhat to sexual/ gender minorities in general. For the most part, I do use links (whether they work is another matter), and media stories, but I ‘d be lying if I said I didn’t feel any empathy for LGBT+ in general. The recent ‘Gayby Baby’ documentary controversy has hit me harder than what I thought. And I’m very passionate about support and proper education that includes and supports the LGBT+ students, including asexuals.

I get that there would be asexuals who don’t share my experiences or views. I get it. So don’t think I’m not trying to talk for all asexuals. I’m not. I can’t. All I can say is how I feel and why.  If I wasn’t ‘me’, I may not be able to do that.

Does ‘Love At First Sight’ Exist?

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On ‘Studio 10’ today, the panel was discussing whether ‘love at first sight’ which was sparked by this post Where the author said that when he married his wife 16 years before, it she wasn’t his ‘best friend’ and that love grew over time. He didn’t deny that there was a spark, but he didn’t call it love, I guess.

Interesting point. So, that brings a question, what is love? And when does it start? When the infatuation has died down? I don’t think romantic love/ attraction whatever, can be forced. I think it’s either there, either initially or even later on or it’s not. To tell you the truth, when I first heard about this, I was a bit skeptical because I’ve noticed what a number of same – sex marriage opponents do is, in my opinion, play down the part of attraction often plays and what most people take for granted.

So, where does love start? Is it that lust/ infatuation is often a ‘spark’ but love is a ‘fire’ that develops later?

What do you think?